THE CONTINUING MYSTERY OF BEN

As the previous post indicates, 

we have had some great weeks with Ben.  

Pretty good behavior at home, 

and amazing behavior at school.

So why then last night did we discover he had poured his water from his bedroom water bottle down his heating vent?  

Why?  I. Do. Not. Know.

This is the continuing mystery of Ben.  He can lull you into this confidence that he can and will make good choices, and then he does something like this (or naughtier, but I'm not going to share...)

It's almost like because he has trouble trusting us 100%, he doesn't want us to trust him 100%.

Now, before you get the impression that Jonah is always making good choices, let me say this.  Jonah is 100% NOT reliable which means we always have to keep a close eye on him.  He is very impulsive, and he follows his creative train of thought wherever it might lead even if that's not where he should be.

But Ben, like I said, can be rolling along doing great 

and then he sort of sucker punches you unexpectedly.  

These boys- they both are very intriguing!

 

BIG AWARD FOR BEN!

 

Each quarter the MS teachers choose one student in each of class for an RRK reward- this stands for Respect, Responsibility and Kindness.

Our Ben won the award for his Social Studies class!

We are so proud of Ben because we are hearing from his teachers that he is very socially appropriate in his classes with his peers.  So to win an award because of this outstanding behavior is such an accomplishment for him.

Ben has social anxiety: He's uncomfortable with interactions because his first 6 years of life lacked social interactions both for him to model and to participate in.  Plus Ben likes to be in control so someone asking him something takes control of the situation away from him and gives it to the person requesting information from Ben.  This makes Ben nervous.  

So for him to overcome this anxiety and participate appropriately in a large classroom setting where some of the material being discussed is beyond his understanding is AMAZING to say the least!

Way. To. Go. Ben!

Also, I am understanding somethings about Ben's social anxiety.  For the longest time, I felt like I was his trigger because a lot of his strange and inappropriate social behaviors happens only with me.  

However, his teachers helped me understand something.  They think Ben is very concerned and in tune with wanting to be accepted and fit in with his peers.  This isn't in a bad way in terms of peer pressure, but in the good way as in this awareness helps us all choose appropriate behavior.  He's learning the skill of reading the room- a very useful life skill!  

So Ben knows to keep his social quirks and oddities to a minimum at school because as he tries to model his peers, he realizes those peers are answering questions in class, raising their hands participate, and having conversations that make sense and stay on topic.  He wants to look and sound like the other kids. 

With me, or in group of adults only, Ben probably doesn't care as much about fitting in and/or doesn't care if we are not pleased with him.  And at age 14, it's very normal for a kid to be more concerned about what his peers think of him than what grown ups think.

This made me feel better because I was feeling like I was the SOLE cause of his social anxiety, but now I'm thinking I'm just ONE of the causes.  

If you're curious, the reason I'm one of the causes of Ben's social anxiety is: 

Ben views my role in his life, his primary caregiver, as a threat to his need for control.  So any demand I make on him, including social interactions, he tends to not do as requested as a way of him maintaining control.