STILL LEARNING TO BE SOCIAL

 

In preparation for Ben's IEP in November, I typed up this summary of Ben's social skills according to our observations.  I'm anxious to hear school's input on this.

BEN'S SOCIALIZING/MAKING CONVERSATION

 Issues:

1.      Wrong Answer- Doesn't answer questions appropriately or correctly,  ie. "Cow", "Mom", or just babbles.

2.      Delegate- Tries to get Jonah (or someone else) to answer instead.

3.      Whispers answer or answers into his armpit.

4.      Lack of eye contact.

5.      Not Understood- Talks too fast or has trouble with pronunciation.

6.      Shuts down- doesn't make any response.

 

Why we think this happens:

1.      Speech issues- Ben needs to continue learning proper pronunciation and proper speed of speech.

2.      Social Anxiety-  Ben experienced lack of socialization for his 1st 6  years in the orphanage so Ben doesn't feel comfortable or know  how to interact with people appropriately.  His orphanage years I'm  sure play a role, but we are hoping with each additional year Ben      has with us, this becomes less and less of an issue for him.  However, perhaps we shouldn't underestimate how much not having the basic communication foundations for those highly impactful first years is limiting him even now after being with us  5 years…

 NOTE: in our adoption/trauma education we had to take for           the adoption process, we learned that orphanage behaviors can        fade/drop off after the child is home with family for a longer time      than he was in the orphanage.  We are at year 5 1/2 so we are    almost at the half-way mark!

3.      Control- due to Ben's "hard past" of being in orphanage for 6 years, control is always his go-to emotion/goal.  Ben had to look out for himself for 6 years to make sure he survived and got the limited care and attention that was available to him at the orphanage.  So  everything Ben does, unless you can capture him at a moment   where he lets his guard down, Ben wants to control the situation.  It doesn't matter to him if having this control gets him positive or       negative attention, he just wants to be the one to determine what   he will do, how he will do it, and how others should respond/react   to him.  This means if Ben chooses to engage someone in        conversation, you will see a very different style of communication   than when someone else initiates conversation with Ben.  This is        when the issues 1-6 come into play.

4.      Jealousy- This is probably a subset of Control, but I believe Ben has social issues often because he is jealous of others getting attention.  By others, I particularly mean Jonah.  I will often see better social   skills from Ben when he is alone versus when the 2 boys are together.  Again, even if Ben acting inappropriately gets him in trouble, he considers this a win because he probably got more attention, all be it negative, than Jonah during or as a result of the social interaction.

 What we are currently trying to do to help Ben:

1.      Speech therapy at school and thru Rehab Resources.

2.      At home, we go over these Conversation Rules:

                   a. Listen to the question

                   b. Think about your answer.

                   c. Answer the truth.

                   d. Make eye contact.

                   f. Speak clearly

3.      Use of the speech device to assist him in being able to be   understood by those outside his inner circle.

4.      Building upon and encouraging Ben's amazing strengths   

                   a. Ben is very smart.

                   b. Ben has a fun personality.

                   c. Ben is hard-working and determined.

                   d. Ben has good command of the English language despite only learning it starting it at age 6.

                   e. Ben is resilient.  He is tough and strong.  He is a survivor.

                   f.  Ben's potential to do incredible things with his life.

 Possible Action Steps:

1.      Do you agree with all of this information from your experience with Ben at school and/or therapy?  Or is this something that we just  experience at home and social situations besides school?

2.      Are there specific goals/tasks that should be included in his IEP to help Ben in the social area?

3.      Any other help/resources that may be available to Ben to help him improve socially?

4.      Any help/suggestions for Andrew and I as we try to work on these issues at home?

HAPPY FIVE YEAR GOTCHA ANNIVERSARY

 

Five year anniversary of when Lithuanian judge ordered Ben was officially our son.  Also the day we moved Ben out of his orphanage!  He arrived at the orphanage at 3 weeks old- on 7-15-10.  He left it on 7-15-16.  God did an amazing thing!  Words can’t describe our love for this bright silly sweet boy!  Love you Benjamin!

BEST BIRTHDAY DAYS!

 

When you didn’t have family to give you a birthday celebration for your first 6 years, I think it's completely fitting to get a 2 day celebration for your birthday every now and then!

Ben’s actual birthday is today, but we gave him his birthday supper and presents last night because of having Miracle League baseball tonight.  But of course, baseball is synonymous with Culver’s for the boys, so that will also serve as a birthday treat for tonight.

Yesterday Ben’s biggest thrill I think was he had a 3-cake day!  We had a cake for my dad for Father’s Day, cake at a friend’s grad party, and then a bear birthday cake for Ben at night.  Ben was in sugar heaven!

He also loved his gifts: camping storybook and a new 20-inch bike!  His reaction was “Oh my gosh!”

This morning I was filled with gratitude and thanksgiving to the Lord for the blessing of Ben in our lives.  He brings an energy and excitement to our family that I never knew we needed.  Ben was a very unexpected gift to us.  Never in my wildest thoughts and dreams, 10 years ago did I think I would be the mom of a little boy from an orphanage in Lithuania!  God has watched over this boy and protected him when he did not have a family there for him.  I truly believe God has big plans for him in the future, and I feel very privileged that the Lord has asked our family to be part of the ""Ben Adventure".  I love you Benjamin Kostas!  You are sweet and funny, confident and capable.  I'm not sure how I figured out life without you...HAHA!  You are always very willing and eager to give us your expert opinion :)

 

POINT OF INTEREST: at the end of June, the boys are going to the "I Can Shine Bike Camp" in Milwaukee.   Hopefully after that week of camp, Ben will be riding his new bike without needing training wheels!

SPRING UPDATE: SCHOOL, BEHAVIORS, HEALTH, AND ADOPTION STORIES

 

BEN:

Doing GREAT in school.  Almost every day we receive a note from his teacher complimenting Ben for his hard work and determination to learn.  Ben is improving in his handwriting, math, and reading skills.  We are so proud of Ben.  Ben loves a good challenge so if something is difficult for him, that motivates him to conquer it!  I think this kid is destined to great things in life.

A few struggles we are having with Ben as of late: I think the green eyed monster of jealously has been hitting Ben.  With all of Jonah's health issues, I think Ben is trying to command a little more attention for himself.  Unfortunately he doesn't care if that is positive or negative attention so he does whatever he cn to get us to notice him: defiance and trying to control everything (bossing people around, trying to discipline Jonah, TV remotes, turning on lights/fans throughout the house, trying to "cook" in the kitchen, trying to work appliances etc).  He's requiring a lot of surveillance these past 2 weeks and a little bit more patience on our part than usual.

JONAH:
Doing GREAT with peeing on his own.  Doctor is very hopeful once this infection clears up, we will be very close to removing the catheter!  

Our schedule is VERY busy with all appointments to keep Jonah healthy: labwork, physical therapy, behavioral therapy, urine cultures etc.  

Also Ben has a few appointments to thrown in the mix too, so we are hopping!

Having some really good days in school, and having some days where he struggles with attending.  

Jonah's sweetness has really amped up these past couple of weeks.  He is very polite and cuddly and just overall happy to hang out with us.  

BOTH BOYS:

We decided to tell the boys their adoption stories.  We have always referred to them being adopted, but we have never sat them down and fully explained what that meant.  

I remember a few years ago I was talking to another adoptive mom of boys with Down syndrome.  She told me that both her boys knew all about their adoptions.  At the time, I knew our boys were not at a point that they would understand if we told them.  Her boys were a few years older than ours.

So here we are 2 years later, and we decided our boys were ready.  

What really initiated this was the boys' teacher this school year was pregnant.  So the whole  "baby in the tummy" became quite the topic at our house, with our boys trying to associate that they were once babies in my tummy.  I didn't want to lie to them so we decided it was time to explain.  

The other thing that I became aware of over these past few months is that with all our doctor appointments because of Jonah's kidney issue, I quite often have to refer to him being adopted during the medical history part of the exam.  Jonah listens to EVERYTHING that is said so he was hearing this reference about adoption.  It wasn't fair of us to be telling strangers about them without them knowing what adoption meant.

So I made a social story book about their stories.  We even included photos of their birth parents.  We prayed over the book and over our boys before presenting it to them.  

As I read the book, Jonah only focused on Ben's story.  Ben kept focusing on my tummy and saying "Me baby."  Very interesting.  Then for the next hour after reading the book, both boys were VERY naughty.  I think they were processing what they had heard.

A few days later, Jonah wanted to show the book to Stephen over FaceTime.  He seemed very comfortable and proud of it.  Ben is not interested in it anymore.

Of course, I do recognize that some of the behavior I described above in Ben's section may also be a reaction to us telling him his adoption story.  Jonah's more intense affection I described above in his section may also be a reaction to his adoption.  When you have kiddos that can't completely express/communicate their thoughts/feelings, it's a guessing game to figure out what is reaction to what.  We do the best we can.  

That is all we are going to do with them for now.  They know where the book is if they want to look at it again.  We will continue to remind them how much we love them and that we are their family forever.

Did we open a can of worms that didn't need to opened?  I don't know, but it seemed like telling the truth was the best answer so that's what we did.

IT’S STILL THERE

Ben came home to us in July 2016, so it's been a little over 4 years that he's been with us.

He has made amazing progress emotionally, socially, behavior-wise and with his English vocabulary.   I am so impressed and proud of this little boy who has faced so many challenges since the day he was born.

However, every once in a while, I get a glimpse into how much of his past life is still "there".  Things he is still processing, things he is still trying to get over, and things he still thinks will happen to him even though he is in a family now and not an orphanage.

Yesterday provided one of those moments.

When we were done with afternoon school time with me, the boys had room time.  

NOTE: Room time is not a bad thing.  Each of their bedrooms has a wide assortment of toys and books.  The boys can choose if they want to play or rest for bit.  Room time is a chance for all of us to get a break from each other ☺

Usually before room time, I have both of them use the bathroom.  For whatever reason yesterday, I asked Ben if he had to go, he said no, and I didn't pursue it.  My mistake.

While they were up in their rooms, I had to make some phone calls.

As I was in the middle of an important phone call scheduling one of the zillions of medical appointments it feels like, I heard Ben crying.  When I got off the phone I ran upstairs to find him hunched over on his bed, holding his pants, sobbing.  When I came in the room, he immediately quivered and said "I sorry Mama, I so sorry."  

Now let me tell you something about Ben.  For the most part, remorse and regret are not real big emotions for Ben.  If he misbehaves, it usually takes us explaining that what he did was wrong and then making him sit in time out so he can really think about what he did.  Then we really have to coax him to say sorry for what he did.  It has gotten better over the years, but saying sorry is very difficult and something Ben really resists doing.

So for Ben to have this immediate reaction when I walked into his room is very unusual.  

Let me also note that bathroom issues have never been something that we have gotten upset with Ben about.  Mainly, because he rarely has accidents, and also because we can tell this is an area that Ben has extreme fear of punishment about.

I don't know what happened to him in that orphanage when he had bathroom accidents, but it must have been quite severe for him to still react in great fear after 4 years.

Yesterday, I rushed him to the bathroom and then reassured him I was not mad at him, and it wasn't his fault- I should have remembered to make him go before room time.  I kept telling him how much I loved him, and that it was ok.  No big deal.  

It actually ended up being a good bonding moment for Ben and I- another brick being layed on our wall of trust, I guess.  

But it still breaks my heart  that even after all this time with us, there is still a small part of Ben that doesn't trust us completely.  He still reacts out of fear that stems from 6 years of being a bothersome kid in an orphanage instead of loved and valuable member of a family.

Oh Ben, there is so much going on in that little head of yours.  When you present angry, forceful, and aggressive, you are probably really activating the survival skills that kept you safe for your first 6 years of life. You have come a long way in trusting us, but there is still a long way to go.  Our family with you in it is still a work in progress.  Marathon not a sprint, right?  

We love you Ben.  We always will no matter what you throw at us.  I hope someday this will be your gut reaction to a scary situation instead of fear and trembling.

Now on a lighter note, here the boys are setting up for a game of chess...who knows, this might end up being their game...

And Engineer Jonah constructed quite the tower this morning while I was getting ready.  I'm quite impressed with his symmetry and balancing work.

 

"GOTCHA" DAY FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY

On July 15th, 2016 it became official.  

The Lithuanian judge approved our adoption of Benjamin Kostas!

Four years.  

So many changes.  So many adjustments for all of us.  Some hard times.  Some great times.  

And then those moments that are ordinary but so precious at the same time.

Doing life with Ben is an adventure.  We are still learning things about him.  

He is still learning about us.  

But we are forever grateful the Lord told us to go and get this little Lithuanian treasure!

JULY 15, 2016

We woke Ben up from his afternoon nap to tell him he was our officially our son!

Packing up his belonging from 

his first 6 years- pretty humbling.

Driving away from the orphanage.  

No longer an orphan!

His first night with us.  I think I was up most the night watching him and listening for him.  

I was so relieved he was safe and no longer faced the threat of going to the mental institution.

CAN'T FORGET JONAH!

Because this blog was created to document our adoption journey with Ben, Jonah's story is not talked about as much here.  So I decided to share two of our big moments with our Jonah.

We adopted Jonah as a newborn.  

VERY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE 

than adopting Ben as a 6 year old.

Think of a blank piece of paper versus one that is filled with scribbles and notes.

Both of our adoptions were adventures, but very unique in their own ways.

However, one way the adoptions were the same, is Jonah is also a person in our lives who has changed us dramatically!  Our lives have never been the same since the moment that little bundle arrived in this world.  

Yes, our lives are more complicated and more work.  Our future as parents and the future of our older kids has been altered.  We are sometimes sad or discouraged when the boys face challenges or obstacles that typical developing kiddos don't have to deal with.  We worry what the future holds for the boys- will they have jobs, where will they live, will they have a social life, etc.

But we also have more love, joy, patience, celebration, amazement, personal growth, better life perspective/priority, and FUN than we could have ever imagined!  

We met Jonah on his birth day.  In fact, I was in the room when he was born.  What a privilege!

Jonah came home to us when he was 3 weeks old.  He spent his first weeks in a foster home through our adoption agency.

JONAH'S "METCHA" DAY: SEPTEMBER 14, 2010

JONAH'S "GOTCHA" DAY:

OCTOBER 12, 2010

Our first family picture with all 6 of us!  Getting ready to leave the foster home.

Don't we (all) look so young?

Our first night home with Jonah.  

He had quite the fan club!

NOW

Jonah at 9 years old.  

This summer he started loving pickles!

We love this little boy so much!  We are so proud of him and all his hard work and determination.  He is one neat little fellow!

"METCHA DAY" FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Sometimes you meet a person 

who will change your life forever...

We met one of those people 

four years ago on July 9, 2016.

THEN: July 9, 2016

Our first look at Ben through the window

Our first hug after he ran 

up to us saying "Mama, Dada"

First time playing with Dad

He looks so little!

NOW: July 9, 2020

So proud of this boy and all he's accomplished and adjusted to since that day in 2016!

We are so blessed by Ben!

BIG DAY TOMORROW!

Tomorrow we celebrate several amazing people:

1. My Dad!  

Happy Father's Day to the best dad in the world.  He has always been there for us kids, and his love for my mom and our family has been a foundation for all us as we grew up and started our own families!  I love you Dad!

from 2018

2. Andrew!  

Happy Father's Day to my husband and another best dad in the world!  How blessed am I to have two men to claim that title?  Andrew loves us and provides for us in incredible ways.  He is wise and lives a life of integrity.  Thank you for all you do for us!  I love you!

from 2017

3. Ben!  

Happy 10th Birthday to Benjamin Kostas!  We can't imagine our family without you in it after almost 4 years of being home with us.  You are a delight.  You have a zest for life, you are incredibly talented and smart.  You amaze us each day with what you can accomplish.  You have learned how to be part of a family.  We are so proud of you!  We love you Benny!

BEN OVER THE YEARS

3 weeks old, arriving at the orphanage

1 year old, orphanage ID photo

 3 years old, orphanage ID photo

5 years old, orphanage ID photo

6 years old, meeting Ben and playing with him at the orphanage

almost 10 years old, wearing Dad's hat

MOTHER'S DAY ON MANY LEVELS

Being a daughter, mother, and adoptive mother, there are a few levels to my Mother's Day.

This is one remarkable, funny, hard-working, and Godly woman whom I am so proud to call my mom!  I love you, Mom!

My best job ever has been being a stay-at-home mom to our 5 children for the past 22 years.  

What a joy and privilege!  

Here's my crew- what a great bunch of people!  

Lydia's 3 layer cake for Mother's Day

As an adoptive mom, I carry this truth in my heart.  So thankful for our two little boys and for the moms who gave them the gift of life. 

A STORY FROM HEAVEN

This narrative showed up in several of my Facebook posts this morning. I do not know who wrote this to give them credit, but I thought it was too precious not to share (It's been edited to add our boys names).

“We’ve got an issue here ”the quality control angel called out.

“What’s the problem?” asked God, in a voice that already seemed to calm the concern.

“It looks like an extra chromosome – one, two – yes, right here, an extra one.”

Now smiling, God answered, “That’s not a quality concern. It is a distinction. The manual addresses it. You’re new on the line, aren’t you?”

“Why yes, this is my first day,” apologized the angel – searching through the manual for any reference to this.

“I’ll talk you through it…there are just a few assembly modifications. First, locate the hug sensors. Do you see the dial?”

“Yes, right here. Oh, I think I tickled him.”

“Turn it up.”

“How much?”

“All the way.”

“Done.”

“Now locate the two smile triggers – they are located on either side of that cute little button nose.”

“I found them.”

“Adjust them a little closer to the surface. Closer, closer, perfect!”

“Is that it?” Asked the obedient angel.

“Almost,” answered God. Now, very gently, open his heart. That’s it. Measure two, no, make it three extra scoops of love.”

“Will it fit? He's so tiny!”

“Oh, these little hearts stretch incredibly. It will fit.”

“Done. Is that it?”

“One more thing. Move him from the random distribution belt to the select premium belt. These little ones aren’t given to just anyone.”

“There. He's done and ready to go,” announced the angel.

God stepped over, as if to inspect the handiwork of this new angel on the line. But that wasn’t His intent. Instead, He picked up this little one and held him close to His heart. Holding him for so long the angel became concerned.

“Is he alright? Did I do everything as you instructed?”

Still holding him close, God said, “He's perfect. I just find it hard to let these special ones go, for they are Heaven to hold.” And He gently kissed his cheek and sent BEN AND JONAH to our hearts.

 

Our little gifts from heaven!