IT’S STILL THERE

Ben came home to us in July 2016, so it's been a little over 4 years that he's been with us.

He has made amazing progress emotionally, socially, behavior-wise and with his English vocabulary.   I am so impressed and proud of this little boy who has faced so many challenges since the day he was born.

However, every once in a while, I get a glimpse into how much of his past life is still "there".  Things he is still processing, things he is still trying to get over, and things he still thinks will happen to him even though he is in a family now and not an orphanage.

Yesterday provided one of those moments.

When we were done with afternoon school time with me, the boys had room time.  

NOTE: Room time is not a bad thing.  Each of their bedrooms has a wide assortment of toys and books.  The boys can choose if they want to play or rest for bit.  Room time is a chance for all of us to get a break from each other ☺

Usually before room time, I have both of them use the bathroom.  For whatever reason yesterday, I asked Ben if he had to go, he said no, and I didn't pursue it.  My mistake.

While they were up in their rooms, I had to make some phone calls.

As I was in the middle of an important phone call scheduling one of the zillions of medical appointments it feels like, I heard Ben crying.  When I got off the phone I ran upstairs to find him hunched over on his bed, holding his pants, sobbing.  When I came in the room, he immediately quivered and said "I sorry Mama, I so sorry."  

Now let me tell you something about Ben.  For the most part, remorse and regret are not real big emotions for Ben.  If he misbehaves, it usually takes us explaining that what he did was wrong and then making him sit in time out so he can really think about what he did.  Then we really have to coax him to say sorry for what he did.  It has gotten better over the years, but saying sorry is very difficult and something Ben really resists doing.

So for Ben to have this immediate reaction when I walked into his room is very unusual.  

Let me also note that bathroom issues have never been something that we have gotten upset with Ben about.  Mainly, because he rarely has accidents, and also because we can tell this is an area that Ben has extreme fear of punishment about.

I don't know what happened to him in that orphanage when he had bathroom accidents, but it must have been quite severe for him to still react in great fear after 4 years.

Yesterday, I rushed him to the bathroom and then reassured him I was not mad at him, and it wasn't his fault- I should have remembered to make him go before room time.  I kept telling him how much I loved him, and that it was ok.  No big deal.  

It actually ended up being a good bonding moment for Ben and I- another brick being layed on our wall of trust, I guess.  

But it still breaks my heart  that even after all this time with us, there is still a small part of Ben that doesn't trust us completely.  He still reacts out of fear that stems from 6 years of being a bothersome kid in an orphanage instead of loved and valuable member of a family.

Oh Ben, there is so much going on in that little head of yours.  When you present angry, forceful, and aggressive, you are probably really activating the survival skills that kept you safe for your first 6 years of life. You have come a long way in trusting us, but there is still a long way to go.  Our family with you in it is still a work in progress.  Marathon not a sprint, right?  

We love you Ben.  We always will no matter what you throw at us.  I hope someday this will be your gut reaction to a scary situation instead of fear and trembling.

Now on a lighter note, here the boys are setting up for a game of chess...who knows, this might end up being their game...

And Engineer Jonah constructed quite the tower this morning while I was getting ready.  I'm quite impressed with his symmetry and balancing work.