Ben on a recent hike at Governor Dodge State Park
Ben became our son through the Lithuanian court system on 7-15-16.
That means this July we celebrate Ben being in our family for 7 years.
That means pizza party tonight!!!!!
Through research and the many classes we had to take in preparing for our adoptions, we learned an unofficial guideline of adopting a child from a hard place (ie. orphanage, foster care, etc). The guideline is that generally it takes as many years the child was in his/her difficult situation for the child to overcome any coping/defense mechanisms in interacting with his/her new family.
So last year was the even split for us, Ben had spent his first 6 years in the orphanage and his next 6 years with us. This meant this past year was suppose to show us a Ben free of "orphanage junk". Is that what we saw? Not really.
Ben still deals with social anxiety and control issues. I knew in my head this guideline wasn't a 100% guarantee, but I guess my heart was clinging to it more than I realized. It's been a bit of a struggle realizing that some of Ben's more challenging behaviors might not ever go away. Despite all the time, effort, and therapy over these past seven years, Ben still deals with social anxiety and control issues when interacting with people.
Now before I sound too negative, I have learned through our experience with Ben, that it's always important to look at where we have come. And all of us have come a long way. Ben definitely feels like he always been a part of our family, and we love having Ben in our family. He adds an energy and fun to our life that we couldn't imagine not having. He is great brother, friend, and playmate to Jonah which was one of our hopes and prayers as we thought of adopting a 2nd child with Down syndrome. And just as important, Ben seems to love being in our family. He adores his older brother and sisters. He loves his dog. He loves going to school every day. He loves to learn and be challenged. He loves video games, riding his bike, swimming in our pool, camping, and playing baseball and basketball.
And in regards to my relationship with Ben, the two of us have also come a long way too. Ben had the hardest time bonding with me to bond because I was most like the orphanage caregivers he was use to. I didn't represent anything new and exciting like Andrew and the others did in terms of relationships. Plus I am Ben's primary caregiver so I feed him, clothe him, and guide and direct most of his activities during the day. Just like his orphanage caregivers. And those orphanage caregivers came and went with great frequency so attaching to them wasn't easy or safe for Ben. So I think it took a while for Ben and I to attach to each other. But we have gotten there. In fact, during our recent camping trip, Ben fell off his bike and scraped his tummy. He came back to our campsite asking for ME! He wanted me to comfort and care for his owie which is huge! Not that I wanted him to get hurt, but it was really cool to be his "go-to" person.
So yes, Ben has made lots of progress over these past seven years. But as I said before, what we still "got" with Ben on this 7th annniversary are social anxiety and control issues. The good thing the frequency of these "flare ups" are less than they were in the beginning.
Of course, the other thing to consider is Ben's struggles may not be 100% orphanage related because Ben may have inherited some of these personality traits from his birth family. We never met his birth family so we will never know for sure.
In the end, after 7 years home, Ben is kid who has overcome a lot of obstacles and his thriving in amazing ways- way beyond where he would have be if he had been sent on to the Lithuanian mental institution if he hadn't been adopted. Besides remembering where we have come from, we always have to remember where Ben could have ended up if the Lord hadn't brought him to us.
Ben is a unique combination of funny, sweet, smart, and complicated.
He probably thinks the same about his family :)
