LINES IN THE SAND

I think most of us have done this- draw an imaginary line in the sand and then tell God I will do this and this but not THAT.

When God began to speak to us about adopting the first time back in 2009, I did draw that line in the sand.  Because of the immense cost and difficult process, I did not want to do an international adoption.  Now I know the Lord didn't direct us down the path of domestic adoption just because that is what I wanted.  It is what the Lord wanted at that time in our life.  Jonah was meant to be part of our family, and the Lord coordinated all the details to make that happen.

However, in the back of my selfish and sinful mind, I still considered international adoption as something I would never do.

Another thing I said I would never do is adopt another child with Down syndrome.  This statement is by no means saying that I think we shouldn't have adopted Jonah.  I know we did the right thing.  But after getting diagnosed with breast cancer when Jonah was only 4 months, I got scared into ever thinking about adopting again.  I realized how full my plate was and how quickly life circumstances can change.  In my mind, however incorrect, I associated adoption with getting cancer.

So imagine my total surprise when this past fall 2014, I felt the Lord asking me to consider international adoption of a child with Down syndrome.  It blew me away.  This is exactly what I told the Lord I couldn't handle!

Although at times during Jonah's adoption we had a few things to stress over, for the most part, his adoption process went very smoothly.  The biggest spiritual challenge we faced during that time was in the very begining when we were trying to determine if it was God's will to adopt a child with special needs.  After we truly felt like this was what God was calling us to do, it was pretty easy to trust Him because everything fell in place so easily.  Very few hiccups.  The hiccups that did occur got resolved within hours or a few days.

Then came my above-mentioned cancer diagnosis.  I felt like I was on top of this incredible mountain-top experience of faith and then plunged to the bottom of a pit I couldn't get out of.   Suddenly all the things I had been so sure of just crumbled at my feet.  I truly felt like we had a made a huge mistake.  It wasn't that I thought Jonah was wrong for us, I felt like we were wrong for Jonah.

When you adopt, you make all these promises about what good parents you will be for the child.  Now here I was with breast cancer.  What if Jonah could have had a better healthier mom instead of me?  What if Jonah ended up without a mom?  Like I said the walls came crashing in on me.  It took a lot of prayer and wrestling with the Lord to get me back on track.  The Lord showed me that even though I was sick, we were still the right family for Jonah.  I learned to trust the Lord in ways I never had to before.

So yes I came out of Jonah's adoption and my breast cancer experience a stronger and more mature Christian.  But did that mean I was willing to erase the lines in the sand?  No, and it never occurred to me that God might ask me to.

Isn't the Christian faith a funny thing?  Even if you can't call it funny, it sure is interesting!

So here we are pursuing the adoption of a 5 year boy in Eastern Europe who has Down syndrome.  I am 4 years out from my cancer diagnosis.  Ryan's country requires you to be 5 years out.  We do not know what the Central Authority will do with our application because of that fact.  We had my oncologist write a letter explaining that he believes my prognosis to good.  However, we just don't know how our application will be viewed.

Now that we jumped through all the paperwork hoops and are waiting for approval, it is becoming more and more real to me that this may not play out in our favor.

Part of me is anxious and scared the adoption will not go through.  This wonderful little boy has captured my mother's heart.  When I am comforting our little Jonah because he has bumped himself or is upset about something, I can't help but think of who is there to comfort Ryan for the same little things.

However, I am also scared and anxious if the adoption does go through.  We hope my cancer doesn't come back, but what if it does?  I do not want to go through that agonizing feeling that we made a mistake by being the wrong family for Ryan.  I told myself I would never put myself through the very experience that I could be setting myself up for.

Why would the Lord ask us to do this?

I don't know why the Lord is asking us to do this.  I am certain there are more qualified and better families out there.  All I know is I truly believe He has asked us to do this- try and adopt Ryan.  Because there is so much out of my control, all I can do is trust in Him.  I can't make things happen one way or the other- both with the adoption and with my cancer prognosis.  This is all God.

Despite my anxieties, part of me is also very excited to see how He will be glorified through this second adoption journey.

And part of me is learning to stop drawing those lines in the sand.