This is Ben's orphanage in Vilnius. This is the gated entry, and then this fence surrounds the entire outdoor play area. So no matter where the children look, they are fenced in. I understand the necessity, but it does sort of contribute to a certain mindset for the children...
In terms of orphanages, I think this orphanage was not bad. From what we have read about other families' experiences in other countries, I think the care here was adequate, nothing neglectful or abusive at all.
However, growing up in any orphanage, even a good one, still is not the optimal setting for a child. Even though Ben's physical needs of food, clothing and shelter were being met, Ben did not grow up with the love of a mom and a dad who were a constant and consistent part of his life. Ben grew up with a herd mentality, always one of a group. Nothing was personalized. Everything, playing, eating, bathroom, was done as a group.
Now even though Ben is part of a family of 7, he is learning one on one attention, being able to have toys that he can play with and not have to worry about someone taking them, he has privacy in the bathroom and getting dressed, food is served to him and never a matter of who can get to it the fastest.
So part of me is grateful that if Ben did have to spend 6 years in an orphanage, at least it was one where he was safe and cared for. Of course, there will always be the part of me that is heartbroken for all the things he had to endure alone, without a mom by his side. 6 years that are lost and can never be gotten back. We can only hope the rest of his years make up for those first 6 without a family.
This is Ben's room at the orphanage. We found out this past year for Ben was one of many changes. Groups were combined and switched around so Ben was actually with a lot of new kiddos this past year as well as some new caregivers. Some of Ben's friends from past years were either adopted or sent off to the mental institution. So much of what had been constant in Ben's life had changed for him this past year. The new group of kiddos Ben was with was not the easiest group. Many of the children suffer from FAS. What we observed was a few of the kiddos in the group yelled and screamed a lot. We didn't see a lot of play and interaction between the kids, more of a scrambling for who could get the toys or the snacks that were available.
It seemed like Ben didn't have a lot of socializing even though he was in a group of
10-12 kids.Loneliness in a group is
how we would describe it.
This is the main playroom for Ben's group. It is nice because it has big windows which they would open for fresh air. What was weird to us is there were toys, but it didn't seem like kids had much access to them, at least not when we were around.
This is the sleeping room for the children. There were 3 beds on this side, and then 4 or 5 beds on the other side of the room. What is funny is the bed that Ben is laying in is not his bed. We didn't know that at the time. We thought he was showing us his bed. We later learned he was on the other side of the room, Bed #4. This was an example of Ben trying to see what he could get away with us- because a caregiver would have scolded him for being in someone else's bed.
When I think of the many times I go up to Jonah's room during the night to comfort him, and then I wonder if Ben was ever comforted when he cried out...I think it probably depended on the caregiver on the shift that night. Ben still does lots of self-rocking when he puts himself to sleep or during the night if I go up to check on him. If I am sitting by him, I always try to take his hand or hug him and let him know he is ok. Self-rocking is a form of self-soothing- a behavior orphanage kids learn because they don't always have a grown up there to comfort them.
This is the bathroom for Ben's group. These were their bath cubbies which contained each child's towel, toothbrush and cup. However, my observations of watching the group go through at bathroom times was that often kids grabbed the wrong towel to wipe their hands and faces.
What I did not take a picture of was the group using their potty chairs or the toilet. Often the kids all did their thing in front of each other. No privacy. It was often chaotic and lots of yelling and fussing.
I think this is why the area of the bathroom is one where we now have control issues for Ben. For one thing, in the midst of all the changes that have happened to him in the past 2 months, this is one area he can have control of- you can't make a child go to the bathroom. It really is up to them. Plus, I think the bathroom time at the orphanage was very routine but also very hectic. I think the bathroom is a place of stress for Ben even at our home where he has the privacy and dignity of being on his own. It will just take time for him to feel comfortable with this new routine.
This was the baby room Ben first came to when he arrived at the orphanage at 3 weeks old. There is this big crib which can hold 2-3 babies and then on the other side of the room there are 3-4 more cribs. When we visited this room, all the cribs were full with beautiful precious babies, some which had some pretty serious health issues. Broke my heart....
If you look closely, Ben is in the middle of these balls. This ball room was a special play area that 1 or 2 children would get to visit ever so often. So us taking him to the ball room scored some BIG points with him. Of course, after 4-5 days of the ball room, even Ben was getting bored of it.
This is the play shelter outside for the children. We received a copy of Ben's schedule at the orphanage. The children are outside for about 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, no matter what season it is. I think this is why Ben plays so nicely outside. That is what he is use to. Ben has a harder time playing inside- he doesn't know what to do with toys. He is not very creative or imaginative. I don't think he ever had much chance to play with things- it always was about a fight over the toy with the other kids. We hope in time Ben will learn to play and HAVE FUN like any other little 6 year old boy.
This is the playground for the children. It actually was a very big area with pretty nice equipment. There was even a trampoline. The caregivers would often take the children for walks through the woods surrounding the orphanage property. I liked the kids had so much time outside- fresh air is good for kids.
So there is a breakdown of Ben's life at the orphanage. He was safe and cared for. His health was looked after. He was provided 3 meals a day. He was given some therapy, some art and music classes. Not awful, just not right. A child deserves and needs the love of a family.
And one must not forget, that had Ben not been adopted, his time at this orphanage was coming to an end. He was on his way to being transferred to a mental institution because of aging out of this orphanage. So even if Ben enjoyed and felt comfortable with his life at the orphanage, that was not going to be his life for much longer. And no mental institution is going to be a good place for a CHILD to grow up.
So when Ben fights me or resists my love and care, I have to remember, at the very basic level we have protected him from the awful fate of the institution. In time, I hope we become more than that to him. I pray we become the love of his life. But right now, we are taking baby steps in our relationship- it will take time, love, and lots of patience to help Ben understand he is part of a family who adores him.
God's hand of protection has been on this little boy since before he was born. We are grateful for the care he received at the hospital when he was born, and for the care he received at the orphanage.
Ben is one special little boy!
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