During the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college, I got an amazing summer job. Part of the amazement of it was that the summer before, I worked in a factory that made Christmas bows. The hours were 5 am to 3 pm, and the work was very monotonous. This new job was exciting, way more interesting, and didn't require me to get up at 4 am! It was in downtown Milwaukee which was even more fun. I loved it!
The next summer I could have had that Milwaukee job again, but I was given the opportunity to have an internship with our County which was in my area of study at school. I chose the internship even though I knew how much I would miss the job in Milwaukee.
That summer was really hard for me. Even though the internship was an incredible learning experience, and I worked with very nice people, I really missed the job in Milwaukee and often felt like I had made the wrong choice.
Those feelings really didn't make sense, but I still struggled with them.
I am not trying to minimize Ben's experience of coming to live with us as being as trivial and simple as my feeling bad over a summer job, but it is only thing I have to compare to it.
Sometimes I think Ben struggles with me as his choice of a mom. I think he often feels like he is missing out on someone better. It is very obvious when our oldest daughter Abigail comes home, that he prefers her over me. He calls her mama when she is around, and he often distances himself from me and becomes weirdly defiant when she is home or just after she leaves again.
It isn't that Ben doesn't like me, but all I can think is he struggles with the "what ifs" of if there is someone better he could he have ended up with as a mom.
He's only six, I know. But he stills has feelings and emotions. He had a whole life in that orphanage for 6 years before he came to us. He had an assortment of caregivers. If he didn't like one, that shift would end, and maybe one he liked better would take over. I, on the other hand, am around 24/7...
He had a very special caregiver that I am sure he has memories of and probably misses her. All of sudden she was just gone from his life. Think how that had to hurt him? From the short video we have of her interacting with him, I am nothing like that "special mama". I don't look like her, I don't sound like her, and I am not as animated or exciting as her.
I often think Ben's life with us has got to be better than his life in the orphanage. But even though the orphanage wasn't ideal, that was his reality for 6 years. That was his normal and his routine. Anything you give up after six years is going to leave a void and need a huge amount of adjustment time to get use to not having.
And remember, we knew Ben's life was about to change to an even worse reality of the mental institution where he was due to be transferred at 5-6 years old. We know the Lord rescued Ben from that horrible situation which would have been the rest of his life, but Ben doesn't know that. Ben doesn't know what he was spared so he can't really even have the element of gratefulness in how he responds to me. Because he doesn't know or understand what could have been....
Why am I sharing this? Because this weekend Ben had some odd and weird defiant behavior especially towards me. Happy Mother's Day, right? :)
It isn't that big of deal because Ben and I have actually had a very nice stretch the past few weeks. I know with Ben there are ups and then downs so perhaps now we are entering a down stage. I am learning to ride it out. But these thoughts just came to me as I was thinking about the thoughts and feelings that this little guy must be feeling. And I couldn't help but wonder if Ben is often plagued with if there is something better behind the other doors of life?
Our three older children, Lydia in particular, made me a beautiful dinner for Mother's Day. So sweet! And the little boys gave me beautiful art projects they made at school for me. It was a fun and precious day because I also got to celebrate and spend time with my wonderful mom! So many blessings Lord!
No comments:
Post a Comment