two tender souls....
Ben hit Jonah on the head with a recorder instrument. Jonah cried. Andrew directed Ben into our bedroom so he could talk to him about hitting his brother.
Ben has very unique reactions to getting caught. He often lies and says he didn't do it. He often tries to blame Jonah. But when you really push through and continue confronting Ben on his wrongdoing despite his denials and excuses, he goes into shut down mode. He hides his face and will not give you eye contact. This is the pose he took in our bedroom.
At this point, Ben usually reacts next in one of two ways:
1. Very defiant and angry at you as you scold him/talk through the situation OR
2. Very remorseful. This reaction happens less frequently. Ben tends to react with anger.
So Andrew went to talk to him and as he approached Ben, Ben let out a gut-wrenching scream combined with a growl like an animal. To us, it sounded like Ben was trying to protect himself and keep Andrew away.
Now I can never know this for sure because Ben can't or won't talk about how he was treated at the orphanage his 1st 6 years of life, but this is my guess why Ben screams/growls like this.
Ben probably got away with lots of stuff at the orphanage because he would react with this way. If he got caught, he probably growled and screamed and hissed so the orphanage caregiver would back off and leave Ben alone. Of course, the other possible scenario I'm thinking could have happened, is God forbid, if the caregiver was more rough with Ben, this is probably how Ben defended and protected himself from getting hurt.
Again, I can't say this for sure, but these are my thoughts of how things may have happened at the orphanage.
So Ben, even when guilty of doing something wrong like hitting his brother, comes out fighting and protecting to keep himself safe. He reverts to survival mode.
What he still doesn't understand at these times is that we are not orphanage caregivers. We are his mom and dad. We love him. We want whats best for him.
Yes, we will discipline him and talk to him sternly if its warranted, but we will follow that with love and comfort and then getting back to the fun of life. We aren't just there to give him food and clothing and shelter. We are here to live life with him, through the good, the bad, and the ugly. His home and his family are his safe place where he will be loved unconditionally.
He is a wounded heart who is healing and learning to love and be loved.
That was the heartbreaking part of this incident.
The beautiful part was after Andrew talked to Ben about how wrong it was to hit his brother, Ben was still curled up in a ball in the corner of our bedroom. He did not want to look at Andrew, and we felt he needed some minutes to collect himself before coming back in the living room. Andrew left him with our bedroom door open so we could keep an eye on him.
A few minutes later, after Jonah settled down from being hit, Jonah approached Andrew as the red bump began to form on his forehead. Jonah indicated he wanted to go in the bedroom by Ben. Andrew let him go in, and Andrew watched as our tenderhearted Jonah went up to Ben and gave him a hug.
I was so proud of this little boy. He had just been hit by his brother and his first reaction after getting over crying was to reach out to that brother and comfort him.
How much could we all learn from that? Is this not the epitome of "turning the other cheek" that Jesus commanded us to do?
Those two little boys are a lesson in humanity.
Ben, with his wounded soul, being brave and courageous as he learns to trust and love.
And Jonah, with his tender soul, guiding and loving this brother that was thrust into his life 5 years ago, and choosing to forgive and forget when Ben hurts him.
It is our hope and prayer that with Jonah's continued guidance, patience, and love (and ours of course, but Jonah actually humbles me- I think he is better teacher than us grownups), one day Ben will have only tenderness in his heart. The wounds of abandonment, loneliness, and fear will be healed.
One tender heart + one wounded heart =
hopefully two tender hearts.
That's the math we pray for...
How blessed am I that I get to watch and learn these amazing life lessons from these two amazing little boys.
Thank you Lord!
No comments:
Post a Comment