Boys are both posing some challenging issues to us as parents as of late:
JONAH
A year ago, we decided to share the boys' adoption stories with them. In very simple terms, we explained about their birth parents, and why and how they were adopted and brought into our family. We made a very nice book that is available for them to look at whenever they want to.
From the get-go, Jonah was more interested in both of their stories. Ben listened to their stories but never seemed to care very much one way or the other.
As of late, Jonah has a few things mixed up about these adoption stories, especially his own.
1. He thinks his birth dad and our dog Tucker's birth dad live together. Besides this not being true, he is equating us adopting Tucker as a 9 month old pup and us adopting him as a baby as being on the same level of significance. Yes, we love our dog, but these adoptions are not on the same level by any means.
2. At various events lately, he is asking if his birth mom or dad are at the event. He is also trying to talk about his birth mom and dad to random people. To me, this is showing me that he is thinking about what his adoption means and trying to make sense of it all.
3. Our oldest daughter has recently started dating a young man. Since we told Jonah about this relationship, he has started calling his sister and this boyfriend his birth mom and dad. This mix-up has me more baffled. He might be taking the aspect of two people falling in love and getting married and having a baby (which is our starting point for the birds&bees talk with the boys) and combining it with the aspect of his adoption story where we explained that his birth mom was not able to care for him because she was too young. I'm not sure...it's hard to get into the mind of Jonah... The other possibility is that in Jonah's mind, Abigail's boyfriend might look like his birth dad. In any case, we are trying to emphasize to him that Abigail is his sister, not his birth mom.
When I hear him communicating these misunderstandings to us, my heart breaks and my mind frets if we made a mistake by telling him his adoption story. You can read in this previous post about our reasoning for doing so. We had valid reasons, but I do worry that this was just too much information for him. I hope we aren't stressing him out or causing him to be concerned about who is he and where he belongs.
Click HERE for post about boys' adoption stories
BEN
Ben has been having some behavior issues lately after having a relatively uneventful long stretch of behavior. The past few weeks he has become much more controlling and defiant, particularly with me.
The boys recently got a new classmate who has some behavior issues, and I noticed the change in Ben the same week that new student arrived.
I think what is going on is Ben is trying to figure out the new dynamic and pecking order in his classroom. I think to compensate for being in unknown territory during the school hours, he is coming home and making sure we know he is in control here at the house. And since I am his primary caregiver, he is focusing on driving this point home with me in particular.
That is my theory. There obviously could be a whole other issue as the cause or other issues along with this one. It's hard to know when you can't sit down with your child and ask, "Hey, what's going on with you? What's up? What is upsetting you?" Ben can't communicate to us on the deep of a level, so all I can do is guess.
What I think I need to work on is how to parent with Ben by giving him co-control. Even writing this sentence causes me to catch my breath. It sounds like I am giving into soft parenting. But what I mean is I have to give Ben more choices instead of telling him what to do and how to do it.
Ben, either because of his traumatic past or because of his personality type or because of his DS or because of all three of these components, needs to have control. I have worked for 6 years to try to help him let go of this control and just be a kid. Sometimes I have success, but nothing has ever truly "stuck" in a permanent way.
So my epiphany this morning is how to parent Ben by giving him choices so that he feels that he has some but not complete ownership in a situation. Ultimately I am still in control as the parent because I will determine what he chooses from. But from Ben's point of view, he is able to have voice in how he will act.
For instance, Ben often acts rude or inappropriately in social situations. I often try to help this from happening by going over what it means to be nice and act appropriately. Then I tell Ben that he needs to be nice or there will be a particular consequence (ie. no video game that night). Sometimes this works and Ben makes good choices, sometimes he doesn't make good choices. He faces the consequences, but when another social situation comes up, we have to go thru the same hoops, with a 50/50 chance of success.
I'm thinking the piece I need to add to the above scenario is offering Ben a choice of how he will act nice and appropriate. Like for instance, if we are going to visit by Grandma and Grandpa, instead of giving the broad direction of be nice to Grandma and Grandpa, I should specify this: "Ben, we are going by Grandma and Grandpa. I want you to have nice conversation while we are there. Would you like to talk to Grandma or Grandpa? " Let's say he chooses Grandpa. Then I would prompt him a little bit more: "Would you like to ask Grandpa question A or question B?" And that we would be the extent of our parental expectation for the situation: Ben talking nicely to Grandpa and asking him one question. Obviously, we would work to expand our expectations, but I think I need to start with basics.
Just an idea that I'm pondering after dealing with a very frustrating parenting moment at school drop off this morning. I think God used that moment to sort of hit me over the head that what I am doing isn't working for Ben or Me- Time to make some changes at how to help Ben be the best he can be.
BOTH BOYS
As we think about what grade level to place the boys in Sunday School next fall, the question needs to be answered: Do the boys go with kiddos who are at their biological age (11-12/5th-6th grade) or cognitive age (5k-1st grade)?
I checked with the Down Syndrome Association of WI, and their response was that it is best for the boys to be in the environment where they will learn the best. This means their cognitive age.
If this means having to do some peer/parent education about DS awareness, then that is what I will do. Of course, there might be a point where the boys feel too big to be hanging out with littler kids. If that happens, then I will have to deal how to adapt the material being used at the biological age level to something the boys can handle. And if the younger kids and/or their parents just feel too uncomfortable with these older boys, then I will also have to go back to the drawing board. But for now, we are going to place the boys in the 5K Sunday School class rather than the 6th grade class this fall.
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