END OF AN ERA

It is with sad hearts that we have recently told Bethany Christian Services that we no longer can be an interim foster family for them anymore.  

We have been providing care to newborns awaiting adoption since 2008.  Over those 8 years, we have had 15 placements.  

I wish I was able to share photos of these 15 beautiful babies because all of them have been super sweet and cute, trust me!

Having the 2 little boys, along with 3 older kids, we realize that it would just be too hard for our family to take on the care of a newborn with all of our other commitments.

We have absolutely loved being a foster family, probably me most of all.  I love having a baby in the house.  

The reason we became a foster family for Bethany was 1) our love of babies, and 2) we wanted to help support birth moms in their decision to choose life for their child, whether they decided to parent or place for adoption.  If we claim to be pro-life, then we believe our actions must show we are pro-life.

Over the 15 placements, I kept a journal where I shared memories of each baby and what the placement taught our family.  Because believe me, we were blessed in our faith through each of these 15 experiences.  Here is what foster care has meant to our family:

1.  Love knows no boundaries- we realized that we could love a child who wasn't ours.  In hindsight, we see the Lord was planting the seed for adoption in hearts back in 2008.

2. God sees possibilities we may not even realize.  God has a plan for these precious children.  We must help support and encourage birth moms to choose life! 

3. Adoption isn't just for families who can't have biological children.  We had never thought of it that way before- again another seed being planted.

4. When one door closes, another door opens.  We had planned on getting a placement which fell through at the last minute.  This was disappointing to us.  Within a day or two, we got a call for another placement which did happen.  You never know...

5. Our 5th baby was a baby with DS- this baby opened our hearts to adopting a child with DS.  When she left, even though she was going to a wonderful adoptive family, our hearts were broken.  We missed her so much, more than usual.  Again God was moving in our hearts and minds, showing us our family was not complete

6. All you can do is trust in the Lord when an adoption falls through, and you see the pain it causes the adoptive family.

7. Sometimes God blesses us with a beautiful gift without any complications or drama.  This placement went exactly as planned which is very unusual.  We just were able to enjoy this baby with no worries about how things would work out.

8.   This was our first placement after Jonah's adoption.  In our placements before Jonah, I always struggled with saying goodbye and having that nagging feeling that we should be adopting.  Now that we had Jonah, I had more of a peace when it was time to say goodbye to the little one.  Interesting to see how God worked in our hearts to lead us to Jonah.

9.  All of us go through a learning curve with our children.  It takes time to learn how to care for a baby, and as I am experiencing now, it takes time to figure out teenagers too.

10. Be understanding when an adoptive family promises to keep us updated and doesn't.  They probably don't mean it personally, they just are really busy.

11. This was one of our hardest placements.  The reality of foster care is we choose the pain of saying good bye to the little one in order to gain the benefits of having had the little one.

12.  Foster care isn't about my feelings.  It is about the best interests of the baby, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  We learned the very hard skill of selflessness.

13.  Insight into the agonizing decision a birth mom makes when deciding about parenting or adoption.  We must never minimize that when we look at the adoption process.

14.  God's way is the best way.  God intended babies to come into a loving home with a married mom and dad.  When we go against this plan, it brings heart ache.  Adoption is a beautiful thing, but don't forget it comes at the cost of pain for the birth parents.  

15.  God's timing is best.  We were in the middle of a huge delay in our adoption of Ben.  God blessed us with this 3 month placement which was a great way to keep me occupied and busy.   Little did I know this would be our last placement....

Giving foster care up is something I don't want to do, but I know we must do.  It was an incredible and precious season of our life that I will never forget. 

Thank you Lord for the honor and privilege of caring for these 15 precious babies.  

EVEN MORE!

As if our hearts weren't blessed enough by Ben's baptism, Jonah had an amazing moment in church yesterday also.

The 5K Sunday school class for the boys said their memory verse to the congregation.  Ben didn't want to go up on stage, he had "performed" enough with the baptism.  But our little Jonah was ready and willing!  He did a great job!  We are very proud of him.  

Thank you to his amazing teachers for using sign language so Jonah could participate.

BEN'S BAPTISM

Yesterday we had the privilege of having Ben baptized at our church.  My dad was able to be the elder to stand up with our family.  Our other 4 children were able to be there to watch (Abigail came home from college, yeah!) as well as my family.  So sweet to have so many people come around and share this moment with Ben.

Honestly, I was very worried about how yesterday would go.  With 2 boys with Down syndrome, I never know how they will act especially in public.  If they do misbehave, it often means just throwing in the towel, giving up and going home.  This is especially true of our little Jonah because when he goes off the rails, it is usually a meltdown you just have to suffer through and then regroup when its done.  

So it was with great trepidation that I tried my best to prepare the little boys for what was going to happen in church on Sunday.  Ben and I met with Pastor Al to go through a "walk through" of baptism.  I made a baptism social story that we went over each day this past week.  And throughout the week, I asked the Lord to bless this baptism and help both boys behave.  My concern about Ben was that he would not tolerate the water on his forehead.  My concern for Jonah was that he would throw a fit because he would want to be baptized too.  

Well the Lord blessed us in huge ways yesterday- beyond what I could have ever imagined!

The boys were very well behaved, but even more than that was the beautiful moments that transpired during the baptism.  

First, during the baptism, Jonah sat up front with the other children in church as part of the children's message.  On baptism days, the kids get to have a front row seat to the baptism.  Jonah sat by two little girls who are classmates of his in 5K.  These two girls were little mother hens to our Jonah.  One put her arm around him and kept telling him it was ok, and the other patted him on the hand and leg and gave him encouragement.  This helped keep Jonah to sit still and not interrupt the baptism.  It was a precious show of love and care by these 2 little girls for their new friend Jonah.  Thank you Lord!

In regards to Ben, as Pastor Al placed his hand and water on his forehead, little Ben had such a look of joy- like he knew this was a very special moment of the family of God welcoming him to the fold. Then Pastor Al took Ben's hand and walked him around the sanctuary to introduce him to the congregation,  This happened as the song "Not for a Moment" was being sung.  We had requested this song because it has such special meaning to us about Ben being under God's constant love and care during the first 6 years of his life as he waited for a family.  Ben walked with Pastor Al with a smile on his face, waving to the people in the pews.  To me, it looked like genuine happiness on his part.  

Then the moment that only could have been orchestrated by the Lord,  When Pastor Al returned Ben to our pew, Ben came and hugged and kissed Andrew, me, his Grandpa, and then moved to the next pew and did the same to Abigail, Stephen, and Lydia.  He knows he belongs to us, we are his family and he loves us!  There weren't many dry eyes yesterday morning in church as people observed Ben acknowledging us as his family!  It was one of the most beautiful precious moments I have ever been part of.  What a privilege and joy for our family!

I cannot say enough of a thank you to the Lord for blessing us in such a special way yesterday.  During this period of adjusting to having Ben in our family, we sometimes go through moments where we wonder if we are doing right by our other kids because we now have the added responsibility of Ben.  Andrew and I had just had one of those difficult heartfelt conversations on Saturday, asking the Lord for wisdom and guidance in helping our new family of 7.  Then the Lord gave us this huge show of validation yesterday- Ben is meant to be in our family, there is no doubt about it.  It doesn't mean it will always be easy, but it will be worth it.  

Yesterday was too amazing of a day to not share- thank you Lord for what you did!  

Along with the celebration of Ben's baptism, we also celebrated our niece Melanie's 18th birthday.  

A very special and fun day indeed!

PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL BOY!

Ben is now spending 1.5 hours a day in school.  IEP testing should begin soon so then hopefully he can get on a PT/OT schedule also.  

Speech therapy will be further down the road.

These are pictures of Ben on a field trip with his class to the apple orchard.  This makes my heart so happy to see Ben welcomed and liked by his classmates.  I notice the same thing about Jonah and his classmates.

  This is so important that our boys start to be accepted by their peers because hopefully these peers will look out for our boys over 

the next years of school.  

Not to be forgotten, here is Jonah on his field trip.  

DOWN SYNDROME AWARENESS MONTH

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month. 
NATIONAL DOWN SYNDROME SOCIETY

Our family would like to use this event as an opportunity to encourage families to consider adopting a child with Down syndrome.  Children with Down syndrome are available for adoption both domestically and internationally. 

We have adopted two children with Down syndrome, one from the US and one from another country.  

This blog tells the story of both of our adoptions, and shares the huge blessings involved with having children with DS in your family!

Sadly the United States has an 80-90% abortion rate for babies that are diagnosed prenatally with Down syndrome.  For some of these parents facing this diagnosis, perhaps they would consider choosing life and placing their child for adoption if they knew there were families excited to adopt a child with DS.  I believe adoption is key to supporting the right to life in this country.  We need to be there to support and help birth parents in whatever way we can. 

Internationally, many orphans with Down syndrome face a very bleak future.   In many eastern European countries, where we adopted from, many kiddos with DS are left at birth because they have Down syndrome.  They spend their first 5 years in an orphanage, without the love and support of a family.  Then these children are often transferred to a mental institution at the age of 5 where they will spend the rest of their lives.  We as Christian families need to step up and protect these precious children from this horrible fate. 

So if adoption has not been on your family's radar, please prayerfully consider it.

If anyone is interested in finding out about this incredible adventure, we would love to talk with you.  Please contact us! 

Here are some resources that have been useful and important to us.

Reece's Rainbow- this is a website that helps find families for orphans with Down syndrome and other special needs.  This is where we first found out about our latest addition to our family.

REECE'S RAINBOW

Bethany Christian Services- this is the adoption agency we used for our domestic adoption:

BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES

Open Door Adoption- this is the adoption agency we used for our international adoption:

OPEN DOOR ADOPTION

National Down Syndrome Adoption Network- this website find families for US children with DS whose birth families are not able to parent them.  We did not use this website for our domestic adoption, but we did find it helped educate and make us more aware of the need to support birth parents facing the diagnosis of DS.

NATIONAL DOWN SYNDROME ADOPTION NETWORK

Orphan Justice: How to Care for Orphans Beyond Adopting by Johnny Carr- this book really moved our hearts to the plight of orphans internationally.  It showed us that while donating money to the cause is great, there are some of us that could do even more than that and become a family for one of these orphans.  Very life changing read…

ORPHAN JUSTICE

BEN'S LIFE BEFORE US

This is Ben's orphanage in Vilnius.  This is the gated entry, and then this fence surrounds the entire outdoor play area.  So no matter where the children look, they are fenced in.  I understand the necessity, but it does sort of contribute to a certain mindset for the children...

In terms of orphanages, I think this orphanage was not bad.  From what we have read about other families' experiences in other countries, I think the care here was adequate, nothing neglectful or abusive at all.  

However, growing up in any orphanage, even a good one, still is not the optimal setting for a child.  Even though Ben's physical needs of food, clothing and shelter were being met, Ben did not grow up with the love of a mom and a dad who were a constant and consistent part of his life.  Ben grew up with a herd mentality, always one of a group.  Nothing was personalized.  Everything, playing, eating, bathroom, was done as a group.  

Now even though Ben is part of a family of 7, he is learning one on one attention, being able to have toys that he can play with and not have to worry about someone taking them, he has privacy in the bathroom and getting dressed, food is served to him and never a matter of who can get to it the fastest.   

So part of me is grateful that if Ben did have to spend 6 years in an orphanage, at least it was one where he was safe and cared for.  Of course, there will always be the part of me that is heartbroken for all the things he had to endure alone, without a mom by his side.  6 years that are lost and can never be gotten back.  We can only hope the rest of  his years make up for those first 6 without a family.

 This is Ben's room at the orphanage.  We found out this past year for Ben was one of many changes.  Groups were combined and switched around so Ben was actually with a lot of new kiddos this past year as well as some new caregivers.  Some of Ben's friends from past years were either adopted or sent off to the mental institution.  So much of what had been constant in Ben's life had changed for him this past year.  The new group of kiddos Ben was with was not the easiest group.  Many of the children suffer from FAS.  What we observed was a few of the kiddos in the group yelled and screamed a lot.  We didn't see a lot of play and interaction between the kids, more of a scrambling for who could get the toys or the snacks that were available.  

It seemed like Ben didn't have a lot of socializing even though he was in a group of 

10-12 kids.Loneliness in a group is 

how we would describe it.  

This is the main playroom for Ben's group.  It is nice because it has big windows which they would open for fresh air.  What was weird to us is there were toys, but it didn't seem like kids had much access to them, at least not when we were around.

  

This is the sleeping room for the children.  There were 3 beds on this side, and then 4 or 5 beds on the other side of the room.  What is funny is the bed that Ben is laying in is not his bed.  We didn't know that at the time.  We thought he was showing us his bed.  We later learned he was on the other side of the room, Bed #4.  This was an example of Ben trying to see what he could get away with us- because a caregiver would have scolded him for being in someone else's bed.  

When I think of the many times I go up to Jonah's room during the night to comfort him, and then I wonder if Ben was ever comforted when he cried out...I think it probably depended on the caregiver on the shift that night.  Ben still does lots of self-rocking when he puts himself to sleep or during the night if I go up to check on him.  If I am sitting by him, I always try to take his hand or hug him and let him know he is ok.  Self-rocking is a form of self-soothing- a behavior orphanage kids learn because they don't always have a grown up there to comfort them.  

This is the bathroom for Ben's group.  These were their bath cubbies which contained each child's towel, toothbrush and cup.  However, my observations of watching the group go through at bathroom times was that often kids grabbed the wrong towel to wipe their hands and faces.  

What I did not take a picture of was the group using their potty chairs or the toilet.  Often the kids all did their thing in front of each other.  No privacy.  It was often chaotic and lots of yelling and fussing.  

I think this is why the area of the bathroom is one where we now have control issues for Ben.  For one thing, in the midst of all the changes that have happened to him in the past 2 months, this is one area he can have control of- you can't make a child go to the bathroom.  It really is up to them.  Plus, I think the bathroom time at the orphanage was very routine but also very hectic.  I think the bathroom is a place of stress for Ben even at our home where he has the privacy and dignity of being on his own.  It will just take time for him to feel comfortable with this new routine.

This was the baby room Ben first came to when he arrived at the orphanage at 3 weeks old.  There is this big crib which can hold 2-3 babies and then on the other side of the room there are 3-4 more cribs.  When we visited this room, all the cribs were full with beautiful precious babies, some which had some pretty serious health issues.  Broke my heart....

 If you look closely, Ben is in the middle of these balls.  This ball room was a special play area that 1 or 2 children would get to visit ever so often.  So us taking him to the ball room scored some BIG points with him.  Of course, after 4-5 days of the ball room, even Ben was getting bored of it.  

This is the play shelter outside for the children.  We received a copy of Ben's schedule at the orphanage.  The children are outside for about 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, no matter what season it is.  I think this is why Ben plays so nicely outside.  That is what he is use to.  Ben has a harder time playing inside- he doesn't know what to do with toys.  He is not very creative or imaginative.  I don't think he ever had much chance to play with things- it always was about a fight over the toy with the other kids.  We hope in time Ben will learn to play and HAVE FUN like any other little 6 year old boy.  

This is the playground for the children.  It actually was a very big area with pretty nice equipment.  There was even a trampoline.  The caregivers would often take the children for walks through the woods surrounding the orphanage property.  I liked the kids had so much time outside- fresh air is good for kids.  

So there is a breakdown of Ben's life at the orphanage.  He was safe and cared for.  His health was looked after.  He was provided 3 meals a day.  He was given some therapy, some art and music classes.  Not awful, just not right.  A child deserves and needs the love of a family.  

And one must not forget, that had Ben not been adopted, his time at this orphanage was coming to an end.  He was on his way to being transferred to a mental institution because of aging out of this orphanage.  So even if Ben enjoyed and felt comfortable with his life at the orphanage, that was not going to be his life for much longer.  And no mental institution is going to be a good place for a CHILD to grow up.  

So when Ben fights me or resists my love and care, I have to remember, at the very basic level we have protected him from the awful fate of the institution.  In time, I hope we become more than that to him.  I pray we become the love of his life.  But right now, we are taking baby steps in our relationship- it will take time, love, and lots of patience to help Ben understand he is part of a family who adores him.  

God's hand of protection has been on this little boy since before he was born.  We are grateful for the care he received at the hospital when he was born, and for the care he received at the orphanage.  

Ben is one special little boy!

BECOMING BROTHERS

We don't know when it happens during the night, 

but this is what we find most mornings 

when we get the boys up.