First some fun stuff:
Did you known Batman and Robin live at our house?
Batman is the boys' new favorite obsession!
So glad both boys have capes-
see the post about the capes if you want to read a really neat story!
Did you know if you stand on a bean bag chair, you can catapult yourself into your brother's crib? This is what Ben figured out how to do in the morning. We have since had to remove the bean bag from the room because the boys were starting to have a wrestling matches in the crib which didn't always end well :) And yes, to those of you wondering, Jonah is in a crib yet. We tried a bed for a few months, but Jonah was getting out during the night and jumping on his brother Ben. Just made me too nervous. Jonah loves his crib, and both boys get good night sleeps this way.
Now some hard stuff:
The past month has been hard. Ben is much more defiant as of late and much more resistant to me.
Did we expect this? Of course. We knew this would be a huge adjustment for all of us with many ups and downs. One of the best pieces of advice we got going into this journey was "This will be a marathon, not a sprint."
Respecting Ben's privacy and dignity, in general terms this is what we are dealing with recently:
1. Defiance over almost anything I request him to do.
2. Often speaking in an angry voice
3. Resistance/reluntance to touch either for personal care (ie. combing hair) or for affection.
The challenge is finding out the "why" behind the behavior. We think there are actually a few things going on:
1. Ben is dealing with sadness/grief over his past life. Ben lived 6 years in his orphanage. I'm sure he has some fondness for his time there. Afterall, he had his special mama caregiver and friends in his groupa.
2. Ben is fearful or unsure about how long his time in our family will last. He may not understand or comprehend when we tell him we are his forever family. He may be wondering when this will end and he will have to leave. For the past 6 years, he watched caregivers and his friends come and go. Ben hasn't experienced many permanent people in his life. Maybe part of is starting to really enjoy our family, but then he comes up against his fear of what if we leave him too?
3. Ben is angry at not being able to get away with things he probably did at the orphanage. This is most directed at me. Him and I are one-on-one quite a bit during the day which means I can keep a very close eye on him. I think he resents my constant presence in his life. He's never had this much consistency or follow thru in his life before, and he may not be liking it so much.
4. Ben is testing us. How far can he push us? And what happens if he goes to far?
5. Ben is almost a 7 year old boy. He's going to be defiant and loud and unruly just because that's what little boys do.
6. Ben has Down syndrome. In my experience, some kiddos with DS have a hard time with transitions especially when it's going from a highly desired activity to a less desired activity (of course, don't we all?). Sometimes kiddos with DS are less inhibited and just let their true unfiltered emotions show. If he doesn't like something, he yells to let me know about his dislike.
So we are aware that what is going on with Ben is probably a mixture of these 6 issues. Of course, coming up with ways to help Ben and us is a bit more complicated when there are several causes for the behavior.
Here is what we are trying right now:
1. Positive feedback for good behavior. We are using a reward chart with a miniature candy bar for every 5 stickers earned. I am picking my battles at this point, and nutrition and good dental health are at the bottom of my list. Ben loves chocolate, and it very much motivates him! Our social worker did recommend we give Ben a chance for a redo if he makes a poor choice, and then reward that redo just as if he had made the good choice right away.
2. Clear consequences for poor choices. We are using loss of a privilege (toy, game, etc), timeout, or quiet time in his room to help him regroup. Our social worker suggested maybe trying "time in" which I will have to research to see how that works. It's a new concept to me.
3. Trying to help Ben's sensory diet and helping him experience what he may have missed as a baby/toddler- rocking, wrapping in blanket, sensory bin, sensory videos to help calm, etc.
So for now, we are hunkering down and trying to help all of us through this rough patch.
I choose to share about this because one of my hopes for this blog is to help other families be informed and aware of what is involved in adopting a child from a hard place. I believe being prepared for the difficulties helps you deal with the difficulties better.
I read a bumper sticker recently that said, "Jesus loves you, I am trying." That made me laugh. Then I started thinking about it in terms of Ben. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to love Ben, but he is resisting me. Then there are the times I don't respond to Ben the way I should. This is a messy and complicated thing we are trying to do- bringing Ben into a new life after 6 years of his old life. It will probably be one of the hardest relationships I will ever have to work for.
But Ben is so worth it! He has a smile that lights up the room. When he tells me he loves me, it melts my heart. When he asks for help or wants to sit on my lap, I am reminded our relationship is moving in the right direction. Ben is such a bright little boy with SO MUCH POTENTIAL! He is going to go places in life, and I am amazed that our family has the privilege of being part of his awesomeness!
Ben is definitely a mystery worth solving!
Besides sensory calming videos, I am trying to have Ben listen to scripture lullabies.
Here is one of my favorites:
