Monday, May 30, 2022
Thursday, May 19, 2022
CROSSED WIRES and OTHER SUCH THINGS
Boys are both posing some challenging issues to us as parents as of late:
JONAH
A year ago, we decided to share the boys' adoption stories with them. In very simple terms, we explained about their birth parents, and why and how they were adopted and brought into our family. We made a very nice book that is available for them to look at whenever they want to.
From the get-go, Jonah was more interested in both of their stories. Ben listened to their stories but never seemed to care very much one way or the other.
As of late, Jonah has a few things mixed up about these adoption stories, especially his own.
1. He thinks his birth dad and our dog Tucker's birth dad live together. Besides this not being true, he is equating us adopting Tucker as a 9 month old pup and us adopting him as a baby as being on the same level of significance. Yes, we love our dog, but these adoptions are not on the same level by any means.
2. At various events lately, he is asking if his birth mom or dad are at the event. He is also trying to talk about his birth mom and dad to random people. To me, this is showing me that he is thinking about what his adoption means and trying to make sense of it all.
3. Our oldest daughter has recently started dating a young man. Since we told Jonah about this relationship, he has started calling his sister and this boyfriend his birth mom and dad. This mix-up has me more baffled. He might be taking the aspect of two people falling in love and getting married and having a baby (which is our starting point for the birds&bees talk with the boys) and combining it with the aspect of his adoption story where we explained that his birth mom was not able to care for him because she was too young. I'm not sure...it's hard to get into the mind of Jonah... The other possibility is that in Jonah's mind, Abigail's boyfriend might look like his birth dad. In any case, we are trying to emphasize to him that Abigail is his sister, not his birth mom.
When I hear him communicating these misunderstandings to us, my heart breaks and my mind frets if we made a mistake by telling him his adoption story. You can read in this previous post about our reasoning for doing so. We had valid reasons, but I do worry that this was just too much information for him. I hope we aren't stressing him out or causing him to be concerned about who is he and where he belongs.
Click HERE for post about boys' adoption stories
BEN
Ben has been having some behavior issues lately after having a relatively uneventful long stretch of behavior. The past few weeks he has become much more controlling and defiant, particularly with me.
The boys recently got a new classmate who has some behavior issues, and I noticed the change in Ben the same week that new student arrived.
I think what is going on is Ben is trying to figure out the new dynamic and pecking order in his classroom. I think to compensate for being in unknown territory during the school hours, he is coming home and making sure we know he is in control here at the house. And since I am his primary caregiver, he is focusing on driving this point home with me in particular.
That is my theory. There obviously could be a whole other issue as the cause or other issues along with this one. It's hard to know when you can't sit down with your child and ask, "Hey, what's going on with you? What's up? What is upsetting you?" Ben can't communicate to us on the deep of a level, so all I can do is guess.
What I think I need to work on is how to parent with Ben by giving him co-control. Even writing this sentence causes me to catch my breath. It sounds like I am giving into soft parenting. But what I mean is I have to give Ben more choices instead of telling him what to do and how to do it.
Ben, either because of his traumatic past or because of his personality type or because of his DS or because of all three of these components, needs to have control. I have worked for 6 years to try to help him let go of this control and just be a kid. Sometimes I have success, but nothing has ever truly "stuck" in a permanent way.
So my epiphany this morning is how to parent Ben by giving him choices so that he feels that he has some but not complete ownership in a situation. Ultimately I am still in control as the parent because I will determine what he chooses from. But from Ben's point of view, he is able to have voice in how he will act.
For instance, Ben often acts rude or inappropriately in social situations. I often try to help this from happening by going over what it means to be nice and act appropriately. Then I tell Ben that he needs to be nice or there will be a particular consequence (ie. no video game that night). Sometimes this works and Ben makes good choices, sometimes he doesn't make good choices. He faces the consequences, but when another social situation comes up, we have to go thru the same hoops, with a 50/50 chance of success.
I'm thinking the piece I need to add to the above scenario is offering Ben a choice of how he will act nice and appropriate. Like for instance, if we are going to visit by Grandma and Grandpa, instead of giving the broad direction of be nice to Grandma and Grandpa, I should specify this: "Ben, we are going by Grandma and Grandpa. I want you to have nice conversation while we are there. Would you like to talk to Grandma or Grandpa? " Let's say he chooses Grandpa. Then I would prompt him a little bit more: "Would you like to ask Grandpa question A or question B?" And that we would be the extent of our parental expectation for the situation: Ben talking nicely to Grandpa and asking him one question. Obviously, we would work to expand our expectations, but I think I need to start with basics.
Just an idea that I'm pondering after dealing with a very frustrating parenting moment at school drop off this morning. I think God used that moment to sort of hit me over the head that what I am doing isn't working for Ben or Me- Time to make some changes at how to help Ben be the best he can be.
BOTH BOYS
As we think about what grade level to place the boys in Sunday School next fall, the question needs to be answered: Do the boys go with kiddos who are at their biological age (11-12/5th-6th grade) or cognitive age (5k-1st grade)?
I checked with the Down Syndrome Association of WI, and their response was that it is best for the boys to be in the environment where they will learn the best. This means their cognitive age.
If this means having to do some peer/parent education about DS awareness, then that is what I will do. Of course, there might be a point where the boys feel too big to be hanging out with littler kids. If that happens, then I will have to deal how to adapt the material being used at the biological age level to something the boys can handle. And if the younger kids and/or their parents just feel too uncomfortable with these older boys, then I will also have to go back to the drawing board. But for now, we are going to place the boys in the 5K Sunday School class rather than the 6th grade class this fall.
Monday, April 11, 2022
VERY HEART-WARMING MOVIE TO WATCH, PLUS OUR BOYS ARE IN IT!
The young man featured in this film helps at Heaven's Gait, the horse therapy facility that our boys have been riding at for years. In fact, at the end of the film, there is footage of our boys as Ben tells how much helping with the horse therapy has helped him.
Our Ben sees Ben at the horse place as his special favorite helper because they have the same name.
Ben's story of his army career and his experiences after coming home are very moving:
"A former Army Paratrooper and sniper, challenged by suicidal ideation, divorce, and alcoholism, fights to reconnect with his family and resume a place of leadership in civilian society."
Click HERE to watch the movie. Our boys show up at the END of the film.
Wednesday, April 6, 2022
Progress, Setbacks, and Hopefully Solutions
Progress:
Both boys are continuing to do good in school.
Both are moving forward nicely in reading through the Edmark program. Click HERE for link about Edmark
Ben is catching on to learning time.
Jonah is still working hard on basic counting, addition, and subtraction skills as well as money identification.
Both boys are making progress in their speech sounds and articulation skills. We continue to look forward to the speech device camp we will attend this June to help the boys and us as parents learn how to use device in social situations.
Both boys, especially Jonah, are absorbing their Sunday School lessons like little sponges. Their teacher is amazing and really knows how to teach to their level. She incorporates actions which helps the boys remember the story. She also is very good about repetition which is exactly what the boys need to help something "stick" with them.
Setbacks:
Ben is struggling socially. It's not that he has kids being mean to him at school or kids just ignoring him. He has a nice core group of girls who include him in their games at recess most days. And of course, he always has his faithful sidekick Jonah :) However, I still observe Ben answering questions in very silly or inappropriate ways or just ignoring the person talking to him. I know he can do better because Ben is a very smart little boy, and he knows the answers to the questions I hear people asking him. I feel Ben suffers from sociali anxiety. The speech device, hopefully, will be able to help with him being better understood. But Ben still needs to learn proper social skills- how to answer questions appropriately, how to have a "tennis ball" conversation etc.
Jonah's difficulty with staying focused and on task is always present. Sometimes he is spot on and does his work without being distracted. But then a few minutes later, his mind is off and running and it's very hard to get him back on track.
Both boys, especially Ben, have been having trouble with lying these past few weeks. It comes in the form of blaming each other for something he did. Sometimes I catch the lying outright because I see who did it and know that boy is lying to me. But a lot of the time, I don't see what happened and then I get 2 boys pointing the finger at the other. The one thing I have going for me is quite often if you ask Jonah if he did something, he has a "tell". If he did do it, he usually does a "I don't know" expression and this lets me think he probably did do it. Ben, on the other hand, just outright lies and keeps saying Jonah did it. Let me tell you- discerning the truth from 2 boys with Down syndrome is no simple endeavor. You have the issue of them not always understanding the questions we are asking and then there is the issue of how much they remember- especially if the event in question was longer than an hour past.
Broken glasses: we are now on the 3rd pair of broken glasses for Jonah this school year :( First pair mysteriously disappeared, my bet it is was dropped down a storm drain grate in school parking lot. 2nd pair was stepped on when Jonah threw them off while playing in the snow and then jumped off the snow pile onto them. That one was my fault because I shouldn't have let him go outside to play with the glasses on. On Monday, someone broke Jonah's glasses at school. The story we discerned from the Eek and Meek is that Jonah put his glasses on the floor and Ben stepped on them. I'm still suspecting that Ben did both things, but again, this is the problem I have discerning the truth with the guys.
Possible Solutions:
Ben's social skills: I spoke with Ben's speech therapist, and she is willing to add another session for Ben this summer just to work on these skills! She even mentioned taking Ben out on the road into different settings to practice him communicating with people. I am so excited for this! I also am hearing about a possible social skills group that might be starting in Sheboygan which would pair kiddos up with one-on-one buddies and then participate in group activities and crafts etc. I think this would also be beneficial to Ben. I say address this on as many levels as we can! Hopefully I can get him into that group.
Jonah's attention issues: Since Jonah's pediatrician does not want to start ADHD meds for Jonah at this time, I guess we just have to keep working hard to keep Jonah motivated to work. Fortunately, Jonah often does respond to the "If, then" approach as long as you can offer him a reward he likes. This is usually a favorite YouTube song, TV show, activity with Dad or older sibling, or Culvers!
Lying: I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants on this issue. My older three typical kids never had a problem with lying or I was never bright enough to catch on if they did :) With the boys, it's a challenge how to address both the poor choice of behavior and the lying. Sometimes it just feels too hard to help them and it's just easier to ignore. But I know that is the lazy answer so I'm taking it case by case and mucking my way through.
Broken glasses: This school year we made the switch from rubber frames to somewhat flexible but more grown-up looking kid frames. I think we have to go back to rubber frames. Rubber frames can withstand being thrown, jumped on, and twisted without breaking.
Upcoming doctor appointments: endocrinology labs and check-ups for both boys in April/May, and kidney/bladder ultrasound and urologist appointment in June.
Sunday, April 3, 2022
BEAUTIFUL EASTER SONG
"Jesus, the Son of God"
Best lyric of the song:
"A love like this the world has never known"
Friday, March 11, 2022
HERO IN MANY WAYS
He was a relatively unknown hero as he fought for the welfare of over 3500 kiddos with special needs who society had cast away because they were seen as worthless.
He helped those precious children find families.
This past month, he became a recognized hero for facing danger outside his apartment in order to protect those around him.
He was not our adoption worker, but we know he must have had the same heart and love as our beloved Silva and Reda to do the work he did for children.
Serge Zevlever, 62, was a Ukrainian American who split his time between St. Louis and Ukraine helping to facilitate over 3,500 adoptions of special needs children to US families. He is said to be the first American killed in the conflict, after he was gunned down on February 26 by Chechen snipers fighting to Russia
Zevlever, his wife, and stepson were seeking protection near their high-rise apartment building when he volunteered to check on commotion nearby. Once outside, Zevlever was shot in the chest by a Chechen sniper fighting for Russia, as family members looked on
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