FLASHBACKS

Some interesting and heartbreaking reactions from Ben recently:

On our road trip to New York, Ben had so much fun. He loved being with the whole family.  However, when we pulled up to our hotel in Niagara Falls, he start to cry and was very upset, saying "No, no".  

We think he was afraid we had pulled up to an orphanage.  Think about it, a big building with lots of windows....from a 7 year old's point of view, the buildings could look very familiar.

Here is Ben's orphanage:

Here is our hotel from that first night:

I think this poor little boy was scared we were bringing him back to the orphanage.  How sad is that?

We quickly reassured him this was a place we were all going to go in together and sleep for the night. We kept repeating that we would all be together.  He calmed down, and we got settled into our room without any more issues.

He did not have any negative reaction when we pulled up to the cabin we rented in upstate New York. Of course, this cabin looked nothing like a hotel (or orphanage).

Then coming home from our trip, we stayed over in Toledo.  Ben had the same reaction of fear and crying when we pulled up to the second hotel.  We went through the same reassurances, and he settled down.  

Finally, last night for the 4th of July fireworks, we were able to watch them from the power plant where my brother-in-law works.  Before the show, Ben had to use the bathroom so Andrew took him inside the plant to use the bathroom.  Ben had the same reaction when he saw the stairwell leading up to the bathrooms.  As Andrew thought about it, the stairwell looked very much like the steps we used to get up to Ben's room at the orphanage:

My heart breaks to think about how close to the surface those fears may be in little Ben.  Does he really think all this might just be temporary, and he will have to leave us and go back?  

I don't want to read too much into these strange reactions from Ben.  If I have learned one thing from parenting 2 children with Down syndrome, it is that there is often not an explanation for why they act like they do sometimes :).  Perhaps Ben just didn't feel like transitioning from the van to the hotel or maybe he didn't want to walk up all those steps for the bathroom...  These could be the very simple explanations for why he got so upset.  

But I also think our Ben, even after almost 1 year home, is still processing and working through lots of emotions and feelings.  That is why we have hidden our photo album from our trip because we noticed the last time he looked at it with us, we went through a very bad stretch of behavior from him.  That is also why we have held off on visiting a woman who lives nearby who is from Lithuania.  We visited with her once and noticed Ben had a very bad week of behavior after that visit.  

We think this is Ben telling us that he cannot handle those reminders of his old life.  Its too raw for him yet and too close to the surface.  

These possible "flashbacks" remind me of how important it is that we continue to remind Ben we are his family and we love him and we are forever.  And these assurances need to happen when Ben is in a good place too, not just when he is upset.    

Six years of his previous life are not going to be erased in just 1 year of his new life.  That isn't how adoption math works unfortunately.  

I have said it before, but I will say it again: 
This is a marathon, not a sprint.