Remember your first dance? It was exciting and fun, but probably a bit awkward. Awkward because you were just getting to know the person. There wasn't that familiarity and comfort level with them yet. And there certainly wasn't a level of trust yet that comes from knowing there is unconditional love between the two of you.
Those things take time to develop and grow in a relationship. Even in a parent child relationship...
At first that might sound strange- don't parents and children love each right from the birth?
Probably as a parent I would say I loved my kids from the minute I knew I was pregnant. I loved them each during the 9 months they were growing inside of me. I loved them even more fiercely the moment they were placed in my arms. But I probably didn't feel comfortable and familiar with that love until after a few weeks or even months of caring for them 24/7. Time builds relationships.
But now think of this from a baby's point of view- a baby learns to trust his mother because she responds to his every need right from the beginning. The baby learns to be comfortable and familiar and SAFE with her because he trusts that she will meet his needs.
This is was obviously our experience with our 3 biological children, but it also was our experience with Jonah since we adopted him at 1 month old. In addition, Jonah had a wonderful foster mom who loved and cared for him deeply which made the transition to our family so much easier. Jonah realized from the very beginning that primarily one person in his life would respond to his every need and keep him safe. Jonah felt loved!
Now think about Ben's experience. He spent his first 3 weeks of life at the hospital with heart issues. Who were his caregivers? Nurses who may in fact have been very good nurses, but they worked shifts so everyday Ben had a different caregiver. Different sound of voice, different smell, different way of doing things. And there was no constant presence of a mom and dad to be there with him when the nurses weren't. If a nurse wasn't caring for Ben, he was alone in his crib.
After 3 weeks at the hospital, Ben was transferred to the orphanage and placed in the groupa for sick babies.
Here is where is "special mama" caregiver took over. She had a special love for Ben and looked out for him all six years, even after he transferred to different groupas as he got older. However, she didn't work 7 days, 24 hours a day, so even though Ben was blessed with some consistency because of her, he still experienced a changing caregiver from 1 month until he was 6 years old.
For the next six years of Ben's life, he would experience people who cared for him-some good, some not so good- but always changing. Either shift changes, or caregivers would quit and be replaced.
Ben never learned to really trust one person in his life except some trust with his special mama- but again, she wasn't a 24/7 presence in his life.
So then a little over a year ago, we bring Ben home to our family.
His relationship with Andrew is something he has never experienced before because he had no primary male in his life at the orphanage. Older brother and sisters are new relationships for him also. But the newness of these relationships actually, I think, have made those relationships easier for Ben because he has nothing to compare them to.
The only relationships for Ben that have familiarity are his relationship with me and Jonah.
For Jonah, Ben had playmates in his groupas. The difference is those playmates came and went in his Ben's life. Some were transferred to other groupas, some were adopted, and some were transferred to mental institutions. Ben didn't know the reasons why, but some days he would wake up and one of his friends were just gone, never to be seen or mentioned again.
Now Ben has this little brother who is always there and not going anywhere. So yes Ben is use to having a playmate, but he is not use to that playmate staying. So that is why the relationship with Ben and Jonah is a process. Ben is learning what it means to have a friend that never leaves you.
But I think the biggest struggle is Ben's relationship with me.
In someways, I am just like the many orphanage caregivers he has had over the years. I feed him, I bath him, I dress him, I watch over is behavior and discipline him when needed.
But in many ways, I am very different from his caregivers because first of all, I am always here. I don't go away. Ben has me 24/7.
And the biggest difference is I also interact with him out of love. I cuddle him (or try to), I want to have fun with him, I want one-on-one interaction with him. I ask him questions, I want eye contact with him. He is more than a job to me- he is my son. I am responsible for his happiness, well-being, and teaching him to be a responsible and productive grown up some day. I am responsible for his spiritual well being and am trying to teach him about God's love for him. I am trying to model God's love for him. I am way more invested than any caregiver he has had for the past 6 years.
Our relationship is trying to grow on all levels at the same time. When you start with a little baby, the baby first learns to trust his mother because she responds to his every need. Then love between mom and baby grows because there is the foundation of trust. A mother really doesn't start disciplining her child until after that 1st year of life- the first year is mainly about loving on your baby. Discipline enters the picture after trust and love have been firmly established.
Ben and I are working on trust, love, and discipline all at the same time which makes it harder. Ben is learning to trust me, trying to figure out what my love for him means, and trying to understand and accept my discipline in his life. We don't have the privilege of gradually getting to know each other- we have been thrown into this and are doing our best to learn on the run.
Ben didn't have that crucial 1st year of life with me where mom and baby CONNECT. I didn't get to comfort him and change his diaper and feed him a bottle where he could look up at me and make eye contact. We missed all those little things that happen between mom and baby that really aren't very little- they are HUGE in the bonding process. Ben and I didn't have the opportunity to learn how to dance together as mother and BABY.
We are learning that dance, but it's hard and complicated. Ben doesn't know what to do with me lots of times. I am a caregiver who is always in his business. I am a caregiver who loves him. He hasn't had much experience with caregivers like that.
Some days are beautiful between Ben and I. His love for me seems evident and very genuine. My love for him feels very natural and flows easy from me.
Other days are difficult. Ben's love either seems manipulative or isn't there at all. Difficult days for me are when my love for him doesn't seem like second nature and feels like more of a choice than a feeling.
This is our dance. It is a very different dance that I had with our other 4 children. In the long run, the differences in our dance will probably be what makes it be so beautiful and precious in my heart.
So for right now, Ben and I are learning to dance together and sometimes stepping on each other's feet. Eventually, we will sail across the dance floor with a beauty and ease that has been worth all the hard work and effort.
Here is our dance from our Sunday hike: FUN!
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