This is the orphanage where Ben spent
his first 6 years of his life.
In the orphanage, he probably needed some of his behaviors/approaches to life to help him survive and not be bullied or lost in the shuffle. In the orphanage, he also probably got away with a lot of these behaviors because there were so many children to keep track of.
In a family, Ben doesn't need to try and survive on his own. We are here to love and care for him. We aren't going to let him be hurt or bullied by someone else in our home. We aren't going to overlook or ignore him. We also aren't going to let him get away with naughtiness. We want Ben to be happy and have fun, but we also expect him to act appropriately and respectfully to those around him.
The more time Ben is in our family, the less orphanage "stuff" we hope in he will need.
Ben has made some amazing adjustments the past 3 years. In fact, our difficult times with him are few and far between. For the most part, Ben is a happy and fun little boy to be around.
However, there are times the orphanage "stuff" rears its ugly head. This is especially when he is having a difficult time (sad, scared, nervous, tired, sick). During those difficult times, his behavior is often made even more complicated because he defaults to some of the behavior he had to survive in the orphanage.
What I am saying is that a naughty moment with Ben is way different usually than a naughty moment with Jonah because Ben has another layer added- he reacts from orphanage "instincts"- the need to be in control and determine the outcome because for 6 years, no one else ever looked out for him. He was his own and only advocate.
Of course, I don't have a degree in psychology, so I can't say that this is an accurate analysis for every child adopted from an orphanage. But I do believe it's our reality with Ben.
I also realize that some of Ben may just be his basic personality. So I can't say every issue we have with him is related to his orphanage "stuff". Ben has strengths and weaknesses in his personality just like I do and just like Jonah and the rest of us.
But, I do truly believe that the orphanage "stuff" plays a big part in how Ben reacts to situations. It's getting better, but it's still a factor.
So this is how I would describe Ben versus Jonah, or orphanage vs. no orphanage:
BEN:
Overall demeanor around non-family= gruff
Naughtiness= angry, rude, defiant, bullying, loss of self control
When confronted= not remorseful, hard to say "Sorry"
Nervous= naughty, rude, bullying
Social situations (ie. VBS, library story time etc)
or when people try to talk to him make Ben very nervous. Interestingly, if Ben initiates the contact, he is usually very sweet (ahem...control)
If Ben is VERY scared/sad, he will also resist comfort and tends to hide in a corner and silently cry.
This is most heart-breaking to see.
Jealous (attention, toys)= naughty, rude, bullying
Happy= fun but sometimes hyper
Tired= weepy and sad, sometimes defiant
Sick= resistant to comfort
Overall demeanor around non-family= sweet
Naughtiness= stubborn, defiant, loss of self-control
When confronted= usually remorseful, easy to say "Sorry"
Nervous = rarely exhibits this emotion. Jonah usually loves social situations and loves talking to people.
Scared/sad= cuddly
Jealous= rarely exhibits this emotion, but when he does, he gets angry/stubborn/rude
Happy= fun but sometimes gets hyper
Tired= loss of self control
Sick= very cuddly
Actually, with both boys, I often wish the Lord would give me a detailed analysis during difficult behavior with the boys. I would like a reading of what percent of our problem is due to behaviors common to DS versus what is a personality issue, and of course with Ben, the orphanage "stuff". That sure would make things easier. I'm guessing God isn't going to provide me with that...:)
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